Me and photography, what a complicated relationship we've had. It goes all the way back to my childhood, when I first fell in love with taking pictures on my 110. I wasn't interested in people, I was interested in nature - I wanted to take pics of flowers and clouds and bugs and interesting pieces of wood. I didn't quite understand the limited nature of my 110, how it wouldn't focus if I were closer than 3 feet, how clouds don't really look that great from that far away, how the lighting had to be just right. So after paying for the film developing, my mom, ever the practical soul, would get really irritated that we wasted money on blurry, dark, or seemingly wasted pictures. I gave up on the whole idea for a long time. It wasn't really until after I had the girls that I started to get interested in it again. I am somewhat irritated with myself that I never thought to take photos while I lived in Berkeley, or when I first moved to L.A., or even during my last year of high school in Las Vegas. It just wasn't something I thought about at all. Nowadays, everyone has a camera at the ready, whether it's a cell phone or a digital point and shoot - even if those photos aren't necessarily "art," they are capturing something important.
I had a love affair with photography for years. Every day, I took pictures of something - whether it was the girls, flowers, leaves, ants on the grass, the sky, objects around the house - I was always taking pictures. When it was just me and my Rebel, I anxiously awaited the photos to be developed. I'd nearly crash the car on the way home as I anxiously looked through the stack of photos. There was always at least one that made me so happy - those gaspworthy photos you want to blow up big or scrap immediately. It took me awhile to get convinced, but once I switched over to digital, I had immediate gratification. Loved processing my own photos, loved knowing what did and didn't work immediately, so that I could go back and retake the shot. And as the years have gone by, I have learned to love the imperfect photos - maybe they are a little blurry, or a little dark, but they still capture something, whether it's movement or mood.
Once I made my passion into a business, things got muddied. I'd always heard if you are doing what you love, it doesn't feel like work. But it did, it really did. For the longest time, it was such an anxiety-ridden process. Every photo had to be perfection. No hot spots, no blurry spots, no flash shadows, not a single person even slightly out of focus. I was the worst boss I ever had. When each photo had to be perfect, and during the busy season I was processing every day for hours at a time, I lost my love for it. It got to the point where I didn't take any photos of the girls unless we had an event. All of the day to day photos were gone. Even if I did manage to get photos taken, processing them became a chore, and the sheer volume of pictures on my computer was slowing it down, and making me feel weighed down. Gradually, I began drowning in something I once loved. I archived photos to discs, backed them up onto external drives, stored the hard copies away in albums (and while storing them, I found so many that I love and want to scrap...if only I could find the time to scrap again!). But the love was definitely gone. I stopped marketing, and the downturn of the economy definitely "helped" to slow my business to a trickle. I miss the extra money, but the pressure of perfection was weighing me down.
Recently, with my friend Ellen asking if I could take a few pictures at her husband's birthday party, and then with my brother Charles' wedding, I had two jobs in one month. Now granted, these are people I love, and people who love me, so it wasn't quite the same kind of pressure, but I wanted to do right by them, so there was definitely still pressure. Plus, there's that whole event thing - if I screwed up, there was no way to go back and fix it. Talk about anxiety! But still, I wanted to do it for them. So, first up, Steve's party. Ellen made me promise I wouldn't be taking pictures all night - she wanted me to be a guest as well, so I had a very limited amount of time to take pictures. I wanted to focus on friends, but I also wanted to focus on the little details that Ellen had worked so hard to make happen.
Those cupcakes are from SugarMama's, BTW, and they are divine!
It was such a great night - I felt honored to be there to capture it.
Then on to my brother's wedding - no pressure there! Thankfully I had lots of time to process these, because I ended up in the ER on Monday morning, making sure I didn't have another DVT. I don't, but I have to go have my muscle enzymes checked today, whatever that means! It was nice because my gurney was right next to an outlet, so seriously, the four hours in the ER just flew by - it was like being at Starbucks, with less coffee and more blood and vomit. The nurses enjoyed watching the photos as I processed them, and I even gave one a tutorial on Photoshop Elements! Here are a few of my favorites:
Sorry, I don't know why this is underlined, it won't turn off! I'm positive that there are better photographers out there, but it was fun to stretch my wings a bit, and hopefully everyone will be happy with what I captured! And now that I've gotten my photographic sea legs again, I can't wait to get to Seattle!
Beautiful photos Jen! I think that you are a wonderful photographer. I know what you mean about when you take something you love and make it your job. It does ruin it...
Posted by: Kendra | May 27, 2009 at 10:04 AM
Your pictures are awesome :) I have never shot professionally, but I feel weighted down, too, sometimes by all the pictures I have taken on my digital and needing to get them developed and into am album or scrapbook!! I hope you will be able to photograph stuff more and find joy in it :)
BTW, I LOVE your sister-in-law's dress. I have never seen one like that and it rocks!
Posted by: Robyn :) | May 28, 2009 at 04:50 PM
Have fun in Seattle! You and Brad certainly deserve it!
Posted by: Kim | May 31, 2009 at 10:29 AM
Okay, I was going to mention that I have not seen a new post in awhile and wanted to make sure everything was okay and let you know I was thinking about you (I still am), but I see now that you did have a fabulous trip to go on so that is where you probably are!! I hope you are having a wonderful time :)
Posted by: Robyn :) | June 11, 2009 at 12:48 PM