A dear friend of mine suggested that I need a chapter in my book titled simply, "July." There are so many reasons why I agree with her.
It’s been a long 10 days. We had a storm move in, and though it appears to have passed for the moment, I know it’s never really over. I have no idea when those storm clouds are going to come back, and seeing what I saw, I’m even more scared of the possible damage. But we’ll backtrack...
On the 29th, Brenna saw her both her pediatrician and her psychiatrist, so we could try to piece together the gap in the meds, lost in the mail. Her psychiatrist wasn’t thrilled with the patching together we’d done with her meds, but we really didn’t have a choice. The most difficult part was the insurance company, who didn’t want to cover the extra medications. I tried to explain, those medications were lost in transit, but after wrangling for more than an hour, I just decided to pay for the 7 days that the Depakote would be uncovered (26.00, versus 10.00 for a month’s dosage normally), and the psychiatrist changed the Abilify’s dosage just enough that it was covered as a new prescription (which would have cost us 115.00 for seven days’ worth). Of course, the next morning, what arrived? That’s right, the meds from the school. It’s okay, it’s all good.
On the 30th, we had an exciting night planned. Since we didn’t have plans for the 4th of July, the first time we haven’t had plans since the girls were small, we wanted to do something special, and the Dodgers were planning their fireworks for Tuesday night, their last night game before the 4th. After we picked Kieran up from Junior Lifeguards (where she spent the day at Hurricane Harbor, our local water park), she got showered, and we all got dressed in our Dodger Blue finest and headed down to the stadium. Brad met us there, and we all settled in - the first time all five of us were at a game ever. I’ve taken all three girls at different times (and even twice, the four of us, which was kind of disastrous), and we had a game last year where Brad and Ailish sat in a different section while Kieran and I sat together, but this was a really momentous event for us as a family. Sadly, the Dodgers lost (although I am not sure the girls realized it - I know for sure that Ailish didn't! She was a good sport, though, she didn't whine at all about being bored. Thank goodness for cell phones and chocolate malts!), but the fireworks made up for it. It was very cool to be right there - I’m so happy we went.
July, the month I fear most, the month where Ailish has historically fallen apart to some degree every year for the last six years, arrived calmly enough. Wednesday, after such a long day at the water park and a late night with baseball, Kieran and I chose to sleep in and miss Junior Lifeguards. Brad took Brenna to work with him while I took Ailish and Kieran to the mall with me. We were looking for a few more pieces for school, and Macy’s had some good deals. I had to laugh when we were at another store and Kieran gasped and said loudly, “17.00 for a skirt?! Are these people crazy?!” I am even prouder of putting them on their own clothing budgets - it keeps me from picking up clearance items just because they are on clearance, and it really keeps them focused on what they actually need. I think all three girls enjoyed their day out, and then we raced home just in time to get Kieran ready for swim that afternoon.
Thursday, dang that Thursday, I forgot again about Ailish’s therapy appointment, even with a reminder on my phone (which had a foreign tone I couldn’t recognize - go figure). Brad stood, looking at the calendar, and asked, “What is this appointment at 9:00?” Yikes! I woke Ailish at 9:02, rushed her into clothes and over to her appointment, “only” 20 minutes late. I’m usually so good with appointments - I have no idea why I have such a blind spot for this, but I have a really hard time with it. Honestly, though, it’s kind of like no harm, no foul, as this therapist, through the County’s program, is only allowed to stay with her until Junior High, so she will be transitioning next week to a new therapist. Seems kind of silly to only see her for a few months, but we do what we’re told.
That night, we had the coolest opportunity. As part of Kieran’s Junior Lifeguard program, we were invited to a family movie night. The movie was played on a giant blow up screen on the beach of the lake. It was an absolutely perfect night - not too cold, not too hot, the sunset was beautiful, and the movie was Bolt, one that only one out of the five of us had seen. We loved the movie, and loved just having yet another night with the five of us together.
Friday was Brad’s day off, and Kieran doesn’t have Guards on Friday, so that was our free day. We spent most of the day just relaxing, trying to prepare for the next day, moving day. I was feeling really good, actually, about how the family was doing. I was still in that moment where I thought we were in a dream, everyone was getting along so well.
Saturday was a big ordeal - moving day. There was no furniture involved, just clothes, and even still, the girls had a rough time with the whole thing. All three of them fell apart at some point - the task just seemed so huge to them. We were hoping to get the mattress that night, especially since Brenna’s blow up bed had sprung a leak and Kieran had been in our bed for the past several nights - all muscle and bone, I hadn’t been nudged that much in the ribs since I’d been pregnant! But the girls were still lagging behind on the room change, so that didn’t happen until the next day. Our 4th of July dinner was good, though - steaks, hamburgers and hot dogs, corn on the cob, homemade potato salad and my mom’s vinegar cucumbers. Rather than watch fireworks, we spent that night in the pool, with a sky you could only call indigo, it was such a perfectly rich shade of blue.
The next morning, we set out to find that mattress, but first, the van needed to be cleaned out in order to fit our new purchase. We enlisted Brenna to help, but we ran into the common problem with her - she just can’t seem to break down the simplest of chores. I know this about her, and yet I’m still not sure how to handle it. I sent her down to the garage a full 20 minutes before I went down, but I don’t think anything was done during that time. She threw up her hands, made guttural sounds which I’m sure were some sort of excuses, but mostly, she just seemed stymied by the whole thing. I wish I could have handled it with more grace, but I was exasperated. I didn’t expect a spotless car, but I did expect some progress to have been made. Brad came down, and together, we hauled out the miscellaneous blankets, extra juice boxes, extra water bottles and sweaters, all of the things we seem to have accumulated during the last two months. Fortunately for me, unfortunately for the girls, I know the exact date that I last cleaned the car to spotlessness - May 3. That was the day of the Girl Scout Tea, and I was taking 6 adults with me, so the entire car had to be cleaned out. So in two months, we had gathered quite a disaster. Brad and I counted, 14 *different* pieces of food stuck to the carpet, stuffed in the seat backs and door pockets, including a whole banana - one that I swore I’d been smelling for a week to the girls’ bewilderment. That doesn’t mean only 14 pieces, just 14 different ones. I know this is life with kids - as Brad says often, and with humor, “This is why we can’t have nice things!” and I know he’s right, but still, when I’m battling my own exhaustion, it’s very hard to have them working against me at the same time. And, I don’t know, somehow I figured when they were 13, nearly 12 and 9, I wouldn’t have a car dirtier than I did when they were toddlers, but there you go. Yes, I know the answer is no food in the car, but we live our lives too much on the run for that solution. Instead, I go to the only thing that speaks - money. I told them from now on, I was charging them .50 for each stray item found in the car, 1.00 for each food item found - and that was for all of them, because I know better than to play the finger pointing game. It has worked pretty well with the energy initiative - our plan to charge a quarter for each light or TV left on when someone leaves the room. I’m hoping it has the same effect for the car!
That day, we told Ailish about our plan for her birthday. Initially, she wanted to go with me to the Mall of America in Minneapolis when I teach ScrapFest, but I had explained that the trip itself was the present - there would be no shopping money once she got there; she’d have to come up with that on her own. But over the past month or so, she has really wanted a faster computer. She’s been working on my old laptop, which I suppose is okay for most things, but she’s been getting more and more involved in editing her videos, and that’s impossible to do on this old, slow machine. I found a deal for a nice laptop for $299, but we were not going to pay for it all on our own. Number one, I’ve never spent that much on one person’s birthday, and number two, I knew she’d have more appreciation for it if she put some of her own money into it. This would also alleviate the computer shortage, as all three girls were vying for the slow laptop and the slow desktop. One more computer would make life much easier. So we asked her, would she be willing to kick in either $200 and have the computer be her birthday present, or $100 and have it be her birthday/Christmas present? But she would have to give up the mall trip. That was a tough one, and she took awhile to decide, but ultimately, she decided she wanted the computer. She’ll work and see if she can pay enough to not have it be her Christmas present also, but regardless, she’ll get it on her birthday, and that’s what mattered the most to her.
We also talked about her plans for her birthday “party.” I tried as gently as I could to ask whom her guest would be. I didn’t want to lay it out there that she doesn’t have friends whose parents know me - she has two very early friendships she’s working on, and I don’t think either parent would be too excited about just handing off their child for the day, but I might be wrong. I just wanted a plan in place so that I could have some warning, the girl’s parents could have some warning, and we could work on the day’s plans. She hemmed and hawed - I’m not sure what’s going to happen with this, I can just feel that it might end badly.
With the car finally cleaned out, Brad and Brenna and I headed out for that mattress. First, we went to Sams Club, because I had seen a mattress there for $99. We stopped at a furniture store’s grand opening next to Sams Club, just to see if they had any good deals. The cheapest they had was $199, so we decided to head on over to Sams. We found the bed, with the 99.82 tag over it, and I picked up a few more grocery items before we headed towards the check out line. On our way there, we passed by the grills. Brad had mentioned to me that he thought our grill might be on its last legs. The steaks had not turned out as well as he thought they should. They didn’t seem to have any great deals, so we decided to head to Lowe’s after Sams. When we got to the register, imagine my surprise when the mattress rang up for 193.42. What? I said no, it was nearly half that, so the cashier sent a supervisor back to look at it. She came back several minutes later, stating that it was clearly a different mattress, even though the sign above it was the one I was talking about, and they were out of stock on the cheaper one. I pitched a fit, and Brad and Brenna slinked off to the car, with the excuse that we had a propane tank in the back that needed to be refilled, but on a day in the 90’s, he didn’t want our car to explode. A manager came and talked to me, lamely explaining that they had had the cheaper mattress earlier in the day, but it was sold out. Whatever. I stormed out with just the groceries. We promised Brenna there would be a mattress in her future - and a near future at that.
We headed to Lowe’s, because it was so close, and found the grill of our (okay, probably my) dreams - a five burner with an extra burner on each side, on clearance! And for every grill purchased that weekend, you got a free propane exchange, which was exactly what we needed. Woot! With the back of the van now full of grill, we headed home to drop Brad and the big box off, while Brenna and I did more searching for the mattress.
We went to several stores (including the mall, where I was happy to pay a delivery fee, even if it meant paying more than the $193, until they told me it couldn’t be delivered for nine days - that was nine more days of rib kicking than I could stand!) before finally ending up at another furniture store right next to Sams. There, we found the perfect mattress, at the perfect price, $20 less than Sams, and they were having a no tax weekend, so all in all, we saved $38, and we took our mattress right home. Success! Exhausting success, but success nonetheless! We came home to find Brad nearly done with the grill, so that night, with a new mattress in her room, and a new grill, we had a great dinner and we all had a good night’s sleep.
The next day, things came to a grinding halt. There was another instance the day before, when Ailish had slapped Brenna *hard* on the back for joking around with Ailish's video camera. She just stuck her finger in the shot, and not that finger, she was just goofing around, and Ailish hit her so hard, she left a whole handprint. But this day, everyone was fair game. After I picked Kieran up from Junior Guards, and we were trying to get ready for swim, for whatever reason, Ailish spun out completely. She verbally attacked every single one of us - me, for not making sure she had something to do this summer, for “forcing” her to swim (even though I had told her repeatedly that it was her choice); Brad, for not being involved enough in her life; Brenna, for existing. Truly, she was furious with her for living in her house; and, Kieran, for being a brat, for being perfect, for being mean, well, for being. She said she hated her life, hated us, couldn’t believe that her friends would abandon her, couldn’t understand why we were all so mean to her, why her therapist was so perky, why she had to go to a therapist when none of us had to (actually, we’d like to, but until Brenna’s IEP, we weon’t have services in place), why we paid so much attention to Brenna and Kieran and none to her (keep in mind, just the day before, we explained to her she’d be getting a laptop) etc. etc. It was a full tilt meltdown. She went so far as to say she wanted to go to the hospital. Those are scary words - those are words that give me goosebumps. She said she wanted to go back to residential, because there she felt good, there she knew she was doing better than everyone else (that’s probably the most lucid thing she said throughout the hours-long episode). I tried to talk to her, Brad tried to talk to her by phone, but she was just gone. Brenna felt awful - she truly believed she was the reason for Ailish to fall apart. I had to remind her - it’s not her, it’s not any of us - it’s July. July is Ailish’s month to lose it, as she has done for years. Somehow, she settled, and by the time Brad got home, she’d completely recovered. It was as if nothing had ever happened. I know that should be promising, but it’s not to me. It makes me want my danger music even more - I need to know when she’s going to lose it so I can be more prepared. These episodes that come out of nowhere are even more disconcerting than the ones I can see building. I feel a little like I’m in the middle of a horror movie, and everyone else can see the slasher behind the curtain but me.
Yesterday, we all woke early to go to Kieran’s Junior Lifeguard Competition. I knew that neither of the girls were interested in going, but I didn’t have much choice. The girls couldn’t be trusted to be alone together, and we were more than an hour from home, so even leaving one at home was just out of the question. I wanted to go and be a part of Kieran’s day, and they didn’t have anyone to hang with. I decided to sweeten the deal by promising them if they behaved that we could go and have dinner with Brad in the city where he was working that day. There’s a brand new mall that is a new favorite of theirs, and we would be nearly there at that point, so it seemed to make sense. Thankfully, bored as they were, it did the trick. Kieran was probably the worst behaved that day, which I’m not sure to attribute to nerves or exhaustion, both, or something else. Finally, the competition was over, and we took our bright red selves (yes, even though I sunblocked, I still got burned, and Ailish got a shoulder burn) down to Brad’s work. We did a little bit of shopping, Brenna spent the last bit of her school budget, and then we met up with Brad for dinner at the Yardhouse. We got to watch the Dodgers beat the Mets while we had dinner, which was a lot of fun. We didn't get to celebrate Duncan's 5th birthday (I can't believe our puppy is 5!) but we are going to go to PetSmart for him this weekend. I told the girls I'm pretty sure he doesn't know exactly when his birthday is :)
My own storm had been brewing for several days. I had first noticed another sore throat on the 3rd, but I didn’t think a whole lot of it besides I might be getting another cold. Every day, the sore throat became worse and worse, until last night, it was really difficult to swallow. I woke up three times last night due to the pain in my throat, so this morning, as soon as I dropped Kieran off at Junior Guards, I drove to Urgent Care. The rapid strep swab was negative, so the doctor said I must have allergies. I just couldn’t believe that was the reason, but I dutifully promised to take Sudafed and Claritin and wait for the Strep culture to come back.
It was all I could do to keep my eyes open today. I mostly laid in bed dozing, and worked to break up fights between Brenna and Ailish, and, once she came home, Ailish and Kieran. We planned to make chicken breasts on the grill - when Brad is home to cook on it, I am always happy to use his skills and stay out of the kitchen! I slept until it was time to take Kieran to swim, but she said she was too tired, and I was too tired to argue with her, so I just gave up on the idea. Kieran made rice, and I steamed up some veggies, and we sat through dinner, watching the Dodgers try not to lose (they did anyway) when suddenly I knew I was going to be sick. Thank *goodness* Ailish chose that moment to go to the bathroom. Even though I wish I could have gone there, I didn’t want her to have any idea that I was sick. I ran to the kitchen sink, much to Brad, Brenna and Kieran’s mix of concern and disgust. I felt so bad for ruining their dinner, but I also knew that this was it, I had to have strep. That was the first clue for my last go round, though I hadn’t recognized it at the time. So I reluctantly went back to Urgent Care, hoping that this time around, they would recognize that I needed more than an allergy medication.
Unbelievably, I got the same doctor, who actually said, “Have I seen you recently?” Um, yes, this morning. He seemed bewildered that I would be back - the strep test was negative, obviously I didn’t have strep. I explained the new symptoms. He asked did I want medication so I wouldn’t throw up? Um, no....well, if I didn’t want that, there was nothing he could do for me. I do have antibiotics from a previous infection, so I am going to go ahead and start that, and I’ll wait for the culture.
Hopefully, I will respond quickly, or get better for no reason, or whatever happens, it will work out so that I can continue to stay upright. Tomorrow is Kieran’s last day of Junior Guards, and she has an Awards Night tomorrow night. I definitely want to be up for that. Not to mention, I need to get back in shape for the girls’ sakes. The girls are somewhat like animals in that when I’m not at my best, they react by behaving worse. While I was gone to Urgent Care, the three of them nearly got into a knock down drag out just trying to finish dinner clean up so that Brad could take them to the pool. We still have nearly six weeks before Brenna and Ailish start school, so I’m really hoping that this is not how things are going to look next week when all three are home for the better part of the day. We also still have 23 days left of July, which seems far more formidable than any other finish line.
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