Whew…where was I? It’s only been a month, but simultaneously not much and an awful lot has happened. On the outside, it looks like not much. Internally, an awful lot. Preparing myself for a lot of changes.
First, though it seems like the school year has barely begun, it’s already report card time. Kieran got straight A’s. Two A+’s even, in PE and Science, naturally. There were very few easy A’s, not because of the material, just the sheer volume of work and the juggling of homework with swim. Though there were some exhausted tears some nights, I’m proud of the way she pulled it all together and got it done. She was happy to have two days off for fall break, and then on to the next quarter.
She and I did have some great weekends in San Diego in September. We first went down for her second Open Water swim, this time the La Jolla Rough Water swim.We went down the day before to pick up her registration packet, and then spent the day with my dear friend Mindy, whom I met through Girl Scouts. Her family lived here for a long time, and moved to the San Diego area just last year. They were nice enough to let us stay with them on Saturday night, and then come down to La Jolla to cheer Kieran on the next day. But Saturday we had quite an adventure as we took the regional train into downtown San Diego. Kieran had never been on a train before, so it was really fun, and it was a beautiful ride along the coastline. We wandered through the Gas Lamp district and found out about a restaurant that would be perfect for Kieran called Burger Lounge. Was it ever – the whole restaurant was her favorite color – I don’t know if you can tell from her first day of school pics – Orange. They had her at orange, but the menu looked promising. Grass fed beef, ground turkey with basil, hand battered onion rings, fresh baked buns – yes, this could be good. We ordered up, and then they gave me my drink. Pebble ice. Oh yes, it was getting even better. The way to my heart can be quickly found with a big glass of pebble ice. When we got the food, it was amazing. Truly. The burger was huge, and fabulous. The fries and rings were awesome. At that moment, I wished I could have my old appetite back so I could eat my whole entrée, but I was just happy to have the chance to enjoy it all. The next day, after Kieran’s successful swim, we visited the Burger Lounge in La Jolla, where I had the turkey burger. Wow. YUM. Yes, I was in love, and wishing I lived in San Diego! Then last weekend, Kieran and I first went to Pasadena, where I worked at the USA Swimming/Navy SEALS Fitness Challenge at the Rose Bowl Aquatics Center, and then from there, we drove to San Diego for our first ever game at Petco Park. Our first, and only, Dodger game of the year. Let me say first that Petco Park was gorgeous – everything I love about stadiums – open, part of the city, easily accessible by many different modes of transportation, and the hot dogs were, dare I say, more tasty than Dodger Dogs. The weather was even more hospitable than the stadium.
It was a perfect day. As we sat there, just 13 rows away from first base, with tickets obtained at an amazingly low price from stubhub, I wondered what was wrong with this picture? And then, just before the game began, I learned what would become wrong. The fans in row 12. Now I am well aware that we wouldn’t be exactly welcomed as the opposing team – I didn’t wear a bit of Dodger blue. I didn’t plan to cheer against the Padres one bit. But every time I cheered for the Dodgers, the four fans in row 12 turned to glare at us, and the two Dodger fans behind us. But they were a bit more vehement in their cheering. Not only did they cheer for Padres, they actively cheered against the Dodgers. It was okay in the beginning. But between the fourth and fifth inning, when the crew launched promotional items into the stands and Kieran had the item into her hand and the fan in row 12 wrenched it out of her hand, that was a problem. And then, when Chad Billingsley, our pitcher, got himself into a mess of trouble in the fifth, with every run the Padres scored, the fans turned around and pointed at us while cackling. It just seemed weird. And a little threatening. I didn’t want to be paranoid, but I had Bryan Stow on my mind the whole time. Then, still with two outs,and two strikes, Bills threw a ball completely out of control and plunked the hitter in the back. Clearly, it was not intentional. I cringed in horror. He had lost it long before this batter appeared, but I guessed Mattingly was just trying to give him a game that counted for something. He had to get through this inning for it to matter. But it didn’t matter anymore. The fans in front of me started screaming, “HEY LONEY! YOU’RE NEXT!” That was enough for me. I told Kieran to pack up her stuff. I couldn’t leave without saying something. I went to the leader of the group and told him that she and I had been to many Dodger games, and regardless of win or lose, we had stayed the full nine innings. I had never felt so threatened by people around me as I had at that moment. The fan started screaming at me, “WHAT DID I SAY?! WHAT?!” I forgot to mention that he had told me and my fellow Dodger fans to go back to the stadium as we were discussing how much better the food was at Petco Park compared to Chavez Ravine, etc. With that, Kieran and I left, disappointed that we didn’t get to see one of Matty’s famous home runs, but at least we got to see *some* baseball this year. We headed back to Mindy’s house, and I was fast asleep by 9 p.m. The next day, we headed back to the Gas Lamp district for more Burger Lounge – we’re addicts, we can’t help it! But better than the burgers, better than the Dodgers even, was the chance to spend time with my dear friend, to take in the beautiful weather that San Diego had to offer, and for Kieran to love on their impossibly fluffy dog, Murphy. At the end of each weekend, it was tough to say goodbye and trudge our way up the 5 freeway back home.
We did have some excitement last week when Kieran fell during the dry land portion of her practice and nearly broke her arm. She finally called an hour into the swim part of her practice, once it was clearly determined she couldn’t swim very well. I took her to urgent care, even though I was pretty sure she didn’t have a broken arm, just to rule it out. And they decided to x-ray everything from elbow to wrist, just to rule everything out. Her arm was not broken, but they put her in a sling and said the radiologist would call the next day with the full report. I didn’t expect any news beyond that. But the next morning, I received a call – Kieran’s arm was not broken, but her elbow did have a bone cyst that needed treatment. Without it, the bones in her arm would become brittle and break. She would need a referral to ortho to find out the next step, and thank goodness we did the x-rays on her elbow. While am grateful that we have caught this early, I am sad that we have yet another hurdle for her to cross – hasn’t she crossed enough? Apparently not. Thus begins a new journey, and we’ll see how this goes. We see the orthopedic surgeon on the 13th.
Ailish received straight A’s on her report card as well, although she immediately discarded it as meaningless. We have tried to remind her of this fact many times – that she has always had straight A’s, but they never count in her eyes. She says the classes aren’t the same, that they are dumbed down, that if she’s missing something, they just give her an A anyway. While some of this might be true, there is no doubt that she’s performing at the top of her class. Still, it is troubling for both of the girls that they are missing huge portions of the math requirements here in California. No, I’m not expecting either of them to pursue a math degree, but I know that you need to have a certain level of math in college before the classes even count toward your general education requirements, and I don’t want them to have to take endless math courses and get frustrated before anything even applies. There was more good news from Ailish, though, if she would let it sink in – she won several awards for writing. She submitted several poems and short stories, and received 1st place awards for both. Of course, she just shrugged, said it was no big deal, there was hardly any competition. She is highly anxious about the future, about what she will be when she grows up, about how long she’ll have to stay there and what will happen to her when she gets out. For awhile, she did pretty well with that, but now she seems stuck on the loop again. On the one hand, I’m glad that her therapist and staff are getting to see more of what we were dealing with, but on the other, it is so hard to see her going through it again. There is not a single thing I can say to make her feel better, so I just listen. That’s really hard for me, because I am just not the type of person to sit in it, but trying to offer up suggestions is like adding fuel to an already unpredictable fire. I just don’t want to set her off anymore. I know to some who haven’t known her long might think we don’t care, but it’s just we’ve been down this road so often that we know it will only make matters worse to try to “fix” things. But an interesting note – her therapist just asked me today to consider that she may be on the Asperger’s Spectrum, something I had never thought about before, and yet, it’s so simple, so true. Why did I spend so much time trying to find Brenna in there when Ailish fit so perfectly? Funny how when pieces of the puzzle fit, it suddenly changes everything. I’m not sure how this will change the future, but it does at least help me see her in a whole different light – one that has a lot more promise, and that is a *very* good thing.
Brenna is doing okay – she has to maintain her behavior on several fronts in order to work at the veterinarian’s office on the weekend, and though it took some time for this to sink in, she finally has enough incentive to stick with it. She’s been waking up for school on time, keeping her temper in check, and has been able to work four weekends in a row, so that’s really huge. She’s scared herself about the future, and what it will hold – whether that future is as immediate as May, or if it’s further out – but we just tell her to work on what she needs to do right now, concentrate on taking responsibility, and we’ll worry about the rest.
But as for me, as for changes – they’re pretty big. I was hoping to hold off on them, but it was not to be. From the moment I discovered I was going to become a mother, my happiness was secondary to the welfare of my children. It was never even a question, it just was. Like the laws of gravity, like the existence of the sun and the moon, there was just the ever present thought that my children were the highest priority in my life. There was nothing more important in this world than their wellbeing.
I think many parents feel this way, but I’ve had my conviction pushed to the limits over the years. Parenting at its best moments is exhausting, fraught with emotion, and yes, requires sacrifice. But parenting one child, much less two children, with special needs is such a soul-testing journey. Where I often draw parallels between mental illness and physical illness, this is where it’s different, because there is at least a definitive diagnosis. The first five years of the girls’ lives were filled with so many questions, so much self-doubt, so much anger at myself for not being a good enough mother to figure my girls out and help them be happy. And then when the diagnoses started coming, they filled in bits of the puzzle, but they weren’t entirely accurate, and the medications only did half the work, so the doubts continued. But what never stopped was my pledge to do whatever I could to try to help them, to try to unlock the secret to their happiness. Did it matter that I wasn’t particularly happy myself? No. I did my best to use my free time to focus on things that made me happy – helping others, keeping myself creatively challenged, rooting for my Dodgers and Bears, whatever little distractions that could give me a moment to come up for air, as long as they didn’t take away from the girls.
Somewhere along the way, our marriage changed. The details are not important – what’s important is that I was willing to wait it out. Even though we were not in love anymore, we didn’t hate each other, we didn’t fight, and, for the sake of the girls, I thought the best thing would be for us to stay together until Kieran graduated from high school. Maybe that is unreasonable – I guess it is. But after having to endure telling the girls, I wish we could rewind, and I’d gladly live the next six years in an unsatisfying lie.
It was horrible. All I could think was, “They are in pain. So much pain. We are supposed to be their shelter and we are causing them pain.” I did my best to reassure them that we are still there for them, both of us, but I know it was not much comfort in that moment. I felt like a monster.
So begins the new journey – I am going to re-enter the work force. This may not be an easy transition, but my conviction remains the same – their happiness (or as close as we can get) is the most important priority to me. I hope one day they will forgive me for breaking their hearts. I hope one day I can forgive myself.
Gratitude – I guess I need it now more than ever:
- My amazing friends, who have been so supportive. Thank you for being my cheerleaders.
- Our families, for their support and understanding.
- I’m in Texas right now – seeing Ailish for the first time in six months. I hope she’s able to enjoy our time together.
- After this trip, I will fly directly to Colorado for a one day visit with Brenna. Though it may be short, I just want to touch base with her, to let her know that we’re okay – I want her to see that though so much has changed, it really hasn’t in so many ways.
- That after a few weeks of adjusting to the news, Kieran seems to be doing okay. I hope her sisters rebound as well.
I will feel so much better after this round of visits is over. Once I've held and kissed and loved over each of my girls, once I've hopefully reassured them that it's all going to work out, that will only help inspire me more that it will absolutely have to go in that direction. I know it's a bad mashing of Bowie and One Republic, but that's just how the radio in my head works...Turn and face the strange changes...One foot in front of the other, right? Keep marchin' on.
