Well, I knew it was going to be a long time. And honestly, 16 days isn't even close to the longest I've gone - it just feels like forever for some reason. There was just so much packed into that little frame of time. And I know I've used a similar title, but it's such a common occurrence - in one week, I see some of the most amazing steps forward, and then...
So, we had the big meet, and it actually turned out pretty well, even with the cold and rainy weather that just wouldn't stay away. I don't know why we can have beautiful 75 degree days all week, but get to the meet weekend, and suddenly it's 50 and pouring rain! For me personally, it was a really smooth meet. I really enjoyed the experience. For Kieran, it was kind of rocky - she had some good races and some that she definitely wished she could repeat, but it was just good to see her healthy again. Still, she was right when she said she swims faster in bad weather. Seems you just have to throw a little adversity in there to make it interesting for her.
We also had food trucks out to the meet, which made my little heart sing. The first day, Patty Wagon came to see us, and everyone loved their grass fed beef sliders and organic fries. On day two, Tornado Potato came out, and wow, was that ever a creation! I love food trucks for so many reasons - I love that they bring something different to our valley, I love that they think outside of the box, and I love that I can support small businesses, so I am excited that we could bring them out.
Once the meet was over, I kicked into high gear to get ready for the girls to arrive. Monday night, I wandered the aisles of Target trying to remember what snacks they liked, what would they want to eat? I had gotten Ailish's beloved pickles from Williams Sonoma, and picked up some fruit, but I realized I didn't know their favorite cereals, did Brenna still like hot Cheetos, was apple juice still Ailish's favorite? I talk to them nearly every day, and yet it's sad when you realize that there's still such a disconnect when you miss out on the everyday-ness of life. I did the best I could, thinking we'd just make a run to the store together after we were reunited.
Tuesday was an adventure. The girls' facilities had made their arrangements, which is not normally how we do things - normally I arrange everything so I can coordinate the two. But this time, we were at their mercy. So Brenna's flight was set to arrive into LAX at 7:30 a.m. Ailish's at 2:30 p.m. Hmm. Both of those times would not work well for me because of trying to get Kieran to school. At first, I thought maybe Brad could pick up, then take Brenna to his office, which isn't far from there - he could get a little work done and then they could pick Ailish up and head home. But then Brad had a night meeting crop up. I considered taking care of airport duties while he handled school pick up, but he thought he could still be able to pick them up and get them back here in time to make it to his meeting. Well, Ailish's flight arrived late, so that did not help things. I dropped Kieran off at swim as soon as school got out and started to head towards them, but he said he needed the girls for the carpool lane, so instead I headed towards his meeting place. What we both encountered was the worst traffic we'd seen in many many years of driving in L.A. I felt so bad for the girls because by the time we met up, it was so late, we had no chance to even get out and stretch our legs, we had to turn right around and head for home to not be late to pick Kieran up from practice. I apologized several times to the girls, but at least they were in good spirits. Thankfully, we arrived in town with 15 minutes to spare before practice got out - just enough time to grab In n Out, Brenna's #1 most requested thing to do when she's home. As the kids began to come out from practice, Kieran, usually one of the last, came sprinting out, flew open the van door, and yelled, "Peoples!" She sprawled herself across Ailish, who was sitting in the back seat, and then opened the front door and hugged Brenna. And then she smelled it. "Peoples and BURGERS!" She was a very happy girl! Those are the moments I tuck away.
The next day, Brenna and Ailish and I went out for a little bit of shopping, just picking up the last few items for the Thanksgiving Dinner. I asked Ailish what she wanted for dinner that night. "No, you don't have to cook tonight, you're already making Thanksgiving dinner!" I said no way, I was definitely making dinner. So she sheepishly admitted that she wanted Pioneer Woman sloppy joes. Not a problem at all. We gathered the ingredients, ran home and put them away, and then the four of us (Kieran was sadly still at school) gathered at a rare sight - Grill em All, probably one of the most famous food trucks because it won the Great Food Truck Race, was in front of my favorite bakery, The Poached Pair. Grill em All makes burgers, but they make really interesting toppings and combos of these burgers - that's why we go. Usually, the line is 20 people deep, and it can take hours. So to see them up here, we jumped at the chance, and since a food truck was high on Brenna's list of things to do, we were excited to do this. I was concerned about Ailish, because she has a very limited list of approved restaurants, but this was actually one of the things we had talked about before she came - that if we suggested a restaurant, we hoped she could try it with an open mind and try not to have anxiety about it. We ordered four different burgers, and I hoped she wouldn't notice that one of the burgers on the menu (though not one we ordered) had peanut butter on it. If she did, she didn't say anything. We cut the burgers into quarters and everyone sampled portions of it. She didn't once mention nuts or clear her throat or anything - I was completely amazed. Then we went into Poached Pair and ordered some cookies and scones, and she actually tried a cupcake from there, without any mention of nuts. This sounds so small, but it's not - this was pretty massive, really. She was just so nonchalant. It was amazing.
That night, Brenna helped cut up the peppers and onions for the sloppy joes, and Ailish caught up on Glee episodes and the Sims. She had such a short time here, I didn't want to pressure her into anything. For the most part, all of the girls got along - there were a few little things here and there, mostly caused by Kieran, which I get. It's not an excuse, just that I understand it. Kieran has made the bathroom into her bathroom, and it's not actually her bathroom - but for 95% of the year, it is her bathroom, and she has worked really hard to carve out a very orderly place from a very chaotic world. She flipped out when Ailish dared enter that place, which wasn't right, and shouldn't have happened, but Ailish handled it really well. And Kieran has been talked to - I feel for all of them.
I decided at the last minute to run in the Thanksgiving 5K up in Ventura, which meant that we all had to be up and out really early so I could be at the registration at 7 a.m. I had to laugh when I woke Kieran up and she said, "I can't believe we all have to get up this early just so you can run." Um...like I do every Saturday just so you can swim? Right... They dropped me off and went back to Grammapoppa's to meet up with the cousins.
Closer to the start of the race, Brad came back with his dad and uncle, brother and his wife and their daughter. Brad's brother and his family were the ones who got me started to think about this race, as they ran it last year. I won't go into too much detail, I wrote about it on my other blog, but it was a fun way to start the day.
With the race finished, it was time to switch to Thanksgiving mode. I felt a little rusty, a little off my game in the kitchen, but still, I managed to pull together the turkey and all of the fixings, including a new stuffing which Tom Colicchio shared via Twitter just two days before Thanksgiving. It will definitely be a permanent part of our menu from here on out! Though it took longer than I had planned to get dinner on the table, once we all gathered, it was really nice. There were, again, some sister skirmishes, but nothing huge. Just as I can clearly remember the day - Kieran was 9 days old, we were at a McDonald's play area, and I was nursing her, bending down to tie Brenna's shoe, and Ailish was crying and tugging on my shirt. I thought to myself, "So this is what it's like to be a mom of three." And as I sat at one end of the table and listened to the snide comments and watched the glares being exchanged at the other end, I thought to myself, "So this is what it's like to be a mom of teenaged girls." And yes, I know that Kieran is not technically a teenager, but let's face it - in mind and spirit, she is most definitely a teenager. Okay, she doesn't hate me yet, and though I've made her promise me she won't, I know she will eventually, so there's that last remnant, but in every other way, she is a teen. But it was a really lovely day to gather, and even given this difficult year, there are still things for which to be grateful.
We left late that night - probably a little too late for me and Ailish, since we had to be on a flight the next morning. It was hard to get Ailish out of bed, and we left the house later than I wanted to, but we made the flight, and settled in for the three hour trip. At first, Ailish talked excitedly about the possibility of being a songwriter. She had shared with us one of her songs the night before, and I have to tell you, not as a mom, but as someone who has listened to hundreds of hours of Disney and Nickelodeon stars, I really think this song could be marketable. And I don't mean that I'm running off right this second to find her an agent. I'm just saying that she is really talented. These are not songs where "right" ends with "light" and "heart" and "apart" This was a beautiful, insightful song that I think would really appeal to adolescent girls. I had told her so the night before, and because she knows I don't give praise without merit, she was genuinely excited. So as she talked about this, the man across from us, with his hipster clothes, gold satin blanket and his eye mask, sits up with an annoyed look and points at her and says, "You know, we need to use our 'airplane voices' and let others get some rest now." I don't know if she even got it, she didn't seem to respond, but I was not happy. I sat for a moment debating whether to say anything, but I finally decided that I wasn't going to let it go. I tapped him on the arm. With a heavy sigh, he yanked his eyemask off. "Yeah?" "You know, she has bipolar disorder, and she has asperger's, so she doesn't have what you call an airplane voice." "Well she just needs to turn it down!" "That's what I'm trying to tell you - she can't turn it down. I'm taking her back to placement after she got to spend just a few days at home with her family. I'm sorry if we disturbed you." "Well." He pulled the mask back down and wasn't heard from again. I know - I know how it can look, she can seem loud or quirky, but she can write these amazing songs too. That's my little girl, sir. Leave her be.
About an hour before we touched down, she realized it wouldn't be much longer, and she began to worry. Why can't she live outside of the structure of placement? Why is it that she can only do well there? Why isn't there anywhere closer to home? I don't know. I have wondered all of these things so many times myself, and the answers, they just don't exist. By the time the plane touched down, she was despondent. I tried to cheer her up by reminding her that she would be home again in just a few weeks. "Yeah, for four days. Great." I know that, I get that. I know that it's no replacement for being at home, I was just trying to come up with something, anything positive to say. As we rounded the corner to baggage claim, I could see her staff was already there. It was not a welcome sight for Ailish. "Ailish, your bags are already on the carousel!" That was not what she wanted to hear either. I looked over and I could see it, the distinctive polka dot suitcase, swirling around on the belt. I picked it up and slowly brought it to her. Tears were streaming down her face. "I'll give you two a moment." I rubbed her back and held her close to me. "I'm so sorry. I wish it could have been longer. But we'll be together again soon, okay?" "There's no point. There's just no point. It never gets better. I give up." She just kept saying it, between sobs. I have, unfortunately, been through many goodbyes. Whether it's at the hospital or at residential, I have had to leave my girls far too many times. I thought that I had already had my worst goodbye - the ones where they've had to pry her away from me while she calls my name, and I just have to keep walking - those are the ones where I thought I might just break right then. But this one, this one broke me in a whole new way. Because I know she has said this before, but she's never said it at that moment of goodbye; she's never been so despondent, and honestly, that is saying something. I have seen her in the depths of despair, and I've never seen her this low. This is my child, my baby, my girl whom I adore, and all I could do was walk away. I sobbed. I sobbed through security, sobbed as they patted me down (I'm not even sure for what reason, maybe because I was sobbing? I didn't set any alarms off), sobbed all the way to the terminal. I talked to Brad for a bit, told him how it went, calmed down enough to say goodbye and figure out what I was going to do with myself for the next three hours. The layover there was awful. Because her place is a bit of a drive from the airport, it made no sense for me to drive out there only to have to turn around and go back, but to sit at the airport with all of this emotion was just so painful. I even went to ticketing right after we said goodbye to see if I could fly standby on an earlier flight, but it would cost me $287 even to fly standby, so there were no other options. I had a little lunch, tried to think of something else, but I just kept going back to my girl.
Finally, I wandered to the other end of the terminal, and they had football games on at the bar, so I sat down. A few minutes later, an older gentleman walked in, and the bartender knew him well - placed his food order without him asking, already had his glass of wine poured before he fully sat down. He had a NASA cap on, and he talked about how busy he was, flying in and out of cities, working on new restaurant sites. From the sounds of things, it sounded like he had a frenetic, but good life. Then he mentioned that he was going to have Thanksgiving the next day, Saturday. The bartender said, "Is that strange, not to have it on Thursday?" And he said no, his wife's parents both had Alzheimer's, so they didn't even know who he was, much less what day it was, so it was all fine, as long as they were together. I said I understood, and I told him a little bit of our story. He teared up. His daughter, in her 20's, has schizophrenia. He says he hears from her every few months, he gives her what he can, and he's just so happy to hear from her when he does. He said he lives for her. He would give anything he could to make her happy, to give her peace of mind. Oh, there we were, on the same journey, decades apart, with the same futile wish. I shook his hand, told him to love his family tomorrow, and I made my way to my gate.
The flight got into LAX early, I was one of the first off the plane, and since I had no baggage, it was a breeze getting out of the airport. I made it home in 45 minutes. This is normally cause for celebration. And I still had one of my girls (well, two, but one visiting) at home. But I was so so broken. I couldn't even speak. I just curled up in a ball and went to sleep. I woke early the next morning, took Kieran to practice, and went for a run. I felt a little bit better after that. And the time spent with Brenna, and the things we did - we went to some more food trucks on Saturday and Sunday, and I got another run in on Sunday morning - those thing helped. But I still don't know about Ailish. It's a combination of the fact that I am her mom, and it's my duty to protect her and to help her be healthy and happy, and this undying need in me to have everyone around me be happy, and if they aren't, I have to *fix* it, and I cannot fix this. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I cannot fix it. And that breaks my heart.
This morning, it was Brenna's turn, and Brad had the duty of taking her to LAX. He said she didn't cry - she just said see you in 3 weeks and made her way onto the plane. Once she was in Denver, she texted me that it was kind of a relief to be back there. She wasn't sad. I thanked her for all of her help, because she was a big help - she was quite the sous chef on Thanksgiving Day - she chopped up all of the vegetables for me, and she was just a big help around here - whatever chore we asked, she immediately did it. I can see she is making strides, and I can see she is maturing. I see the other things too, and I see she still needs a lot of help with transitioning to adulthood, and all that it entails, and that she is most definitely 100% a teenager now, including that whole mom/daughter dynamic that I wasn't looking forward to, but I understand is completely normal.
So my challenge now - somehow prepare for holidays - holidays that I wish would pass unannounced. Not that I don't want the girls home, because I absolutely do, I just wish they'd come home for the week for no reason. Sure, we can make a big meal, bake some cookies, but I just don't feel like a giant celebration. I don't feel like presents. I know I need to somehow pull it together because Ailish was mortified at the thought of not having a tree, so we will make something happen, but I'm just feeling particularly bah humbugish this year. Hopefully I will find some bit of holiday spirit soon.
So wow...that was kind of a downer, huh? Okay - gratitude:
1. My girls were both home for Thanksgiving. They didn't fight, and I loved having the five of us together.
2. That now all five of us know the joy that is food trucks. Yes, I put that second. AND, that Ailish was truly able to enjoy it.
3. That I finished my first race, and I now know that I need to run several more races before my marathon.
4. That we were able to be with family on Thanksgiving, and all enjoy each other's company.
5. That my niece called me, and she's going to come out to see us soon - I really miss her.
6. That our meet went so well, rainy weather and all.
So there it is - there were many, *many* good things in the last 16 days. And yet my girl is broken, which leaves me a little (maybe more) broken too.
