30 days. Huh. It’s one of those times when you have a couple of weeks where you have almost nothing to say, and then all of a sudden, you have so much to say, but no time to say it. It’s safe to say it’s been a long and busy month.
I spent much of December trying to ignore that it was, indeed, December. I actually caught myself a few times wondering why people were driving around with trees on their cars. I’m not kidding – I was that far out of touch with the spirit of Christmas. And I was one of those curmudgeons grumbling about the traffic as I tried to run errands at Target, or just trying to get to the grocery store, which is located so conveniently next to a strip of big box retail. After much anxious worry from Ailish, I decided we had to put the tree up at least, so we did that on the 18th, just in time. And the moment I got home from the airport on the 26th, I started putting decorations away. It was a record-breaking short amount of time for our tree to be up – stark contrast from, I think, 2009? I think that was the year we had it up almost until March. I’ll take this over the other – but still, I kept hoping I would find some bit of joy in the season. Hoping that once the girls arrived, I’d suddenly want to bake dozens of cookies and spread Christmas cheer wherever I could. But I guess it’s hard to give something away that you don’t have yourself.
It was busy swim-wise. The first three weekends of December were taken up with meets. The second one was all the way in Palm Springs, so Kieran and I had to travel for that one. Our first hotel was not a good one, so the second night, I Hotwired us a room at the Hyatt Regency Suites – it was gorgeous, and so orange, it just made Kieran’s heart go pitter patter! She wanted to stay there forever, but alas, check out was at noon, and we had to get back to the real world – Brenna’s IEP was the next day, and there was no avoiding that. We did stop at the outlets on the way back, but after walking what seemed like miles, we only found one pair of Vans for Kieran.
Brenna’s IEP was something I faced with trepidation, but we had help in the form of my friend Lisa and her colleague. I’ve never been to an IEP that’s lasted more than an hour. This one took more than four. I learned so much from it, mostly that we’ve never done an IEP the right way, and that we’ve missed a lot of things that would have been helpful. We didn’t think that any of the omissions along the way have been done maliciously – it’s just that it took the keen eyes of really knowledgeable people in the field of special education to make sure that everything was done properly. The most important thing – Brenna won’t be forced to graduate merely based on the amount of credits she has accumulated, and that is a huge relief. She desperately needs to catch up on her math skills before she graduates, because she truly wants to go forward and work towards an education in the veterinary field, so she needs to have college level math before she gets her diploma, and right now, she’s at an algebra level. There was so much more than that – obviously, since it took more than four hours, but it was enlightening, to say the least, and empowering. For once, I felt like I knew exactly what was happening, and that we had covered every base. We will meet again in February – Brenna needs some more testing, and we are going to discuss a new placement, hopefully one closer to home – but this was such an important meeting to have. I know what a huge investment a special education attorney is, but I *strongly* encourage every parent in an IEP situation to have an attorney with you at least once. It is vitally important to your child’s future – all of those boxes on the IEP are there for a reason, and if you, like me, have ever had someone say, “Oh, that one doesn’t apply to this situation,” you should know that they do, they absolutely do, and you need someone to be able to say no – we are going to go through this line by line and make sure that their needs are being properly addressed.
With that, I moved on to the business of our club swim meet, which is just an intrasquad one, but it’s still a big one for me because it has enough differences from regular meets to make everything interesting. That took up most of the rest of that week. Except for one very important thing I did, which was oh so liberating! After almost two years of thinking I would have a garage sale, and a year of accumulating clothes that were too big for me, but being afraid to get rid of them because I didn’t want to gain the weight back and have to depressingly buy bigger clothes, I freed myself from all of it. I called the Vietnam Veterans of America and told them to come and get it. I thought maybe I would have 6-8 boxes, but once I started pulling things out and putting it on the street, I couldn’t stop. I just kept pulling boxes and bags from every nook and cranny, and by the time they came to pick up, there were over 25 boxes and bags! It was quite a haul! Best part? As soon as I walked into my closet, I realized there were several boxes I had completely overlooked in there! Oh well, I can donate to another cause – it just felt SO good to purge – I honestly hate hanging onto things, and I’d be much happier if our house had nothing in it, but it’s hard to fight against the tide of those who hang onto things.
Once the meet was over, Kieran and I had to finally admit that Christmas was around the corner, so we, with the help of Brad handling the actual tree putting together duties, put up the tree. We set aside Brenna and Ailish’s ornaments and dutifully put up our own. It just seemed so hollow this year, everything about the season. The decorations, shopping for the girls, all of it seemed like a chore, and not the loving act of fulfilling Christmas wishes that I normally would feel. Of course, it doesn’t help that Brenna’s school shipped us four large boxes of stuff that she refused to part with, and asked us politely to not give her too much stuff. Seems I have more than one hoarder. Believe me, those boxes will be part of my next round of donations.
That week, I went to my rheumatologist, who confirmed what I had been thinking. The irony of it all is still resonating with me. The better I look on the outside – and at 99 pounds lost (and more than one clothing label agreeing that I am not just barely a size 4 but a true size 4), I look pretty dang good, if I do say so myself – the more I’m actually falling apart on the inside. This is pretty true on all accounts – physically and emotionally. It’s quite possible – no, probable – that the two are working together. I just like to think that my Lupus was like, “Yeah, you look fabulous, but just remember who is boss!” So all those weird physical things I started dealing with in November – yeah, turns out it was a flare. Didn’t have all of the markers of a traditional flare, so I just chalked it up to weird side effects, but no, judging by my blood work, it was. Thankfully, after some follow up tests, she was satisfied enough to not insist on a round of steroids, which I hate so much. But she’s not really happy with all of the running. I know, sounds weird, right? Wouldn’t every doctor rejoice at someone who is putting in 20 miles a week? She doesn’t mind 20 miles – it’s the running part. If I were walking it, she’d have no problem. It kind of puts me in a quandary. I really want to run that marathon – I have so little, self esteem-wise, to hang onto right now, and that was a goal I had set for myself – not to mention, I don’t want to jeopardize the progress I have made with my weight loss. I want to be able to maintain it for the long term. But if running is actually hurting me, I don’t know what I should do. Then last week, I found this amazing blog through Pinterest, yet another inspiration site time waster, called Can You Stay For Dinner. Andie is a brilliant writer. She’s a foodie. She lost 135 pounds four years ago, and she has maintained that weight loss. And she stopped running. She walks everywhere. Huh. As enlightening as that was, it just complicates things all the more. Anyway, this should all probably go on my other blog, but it’s been one of those things that’s added to my general low state of mind the past few weeks, as running has been one of the few things that has kept me going over the last several months, and if it were to suddenly turn on me, then what’s left?
Brenna and Ailish came home on the 22nd, and thankfully it wasn’t nearly as adventurous this time around, though there was some last minute excitement. We’d scheduled it so Brenna’s flight would arrive an hour before Ailish’s, but then B’s flight was delayed by the snow hitting Denver. For awhile there, it looked like they would arrive at exactly the same time, but thankfully, her flight was delayed just enough that Brad was able to pick up Ailish and her bags, then head over to get B. Then they had to fight their way up the 405, yet another adventure, but finally they made it home. I had made curry that night, the Betty Crocker kind, a family tradition. Only families that grew up on this stuff in the 60’s and 70’s and had it passed down to them truly understand this stuff – this curry that is so bright yellow it’s almost green – then you put what on it? Oh yes, dill and sweet pickles, bacon, pineapple, hard boiled eggs? Oh and this time we added pomegranate, which I highly recommend. We’ve served it to guests who look at us like we’re serving Haggis, but once they try it, they do actually like it. Still, because we only make it with whole chickens, and I’ve tried making it for just the three of us before, but sadly, we’ve had to throw out the last bits of it because we just can’t eat it all before it goes bad, I was so happy to have everyone home so we could enjoy it again. And the girls knew, the moment they came in, with that distinctive curry aroma, what we were going to be enjoying that night.
Kieran had a great idea that we should celebrate our Christmas on Christmas Eve, because we were going to be spending most of Christmas Day with the extended family in Ventura, and we didn’t want to have to rush out. So the girls were excited to be able to open their jammies and one present on the 23rd. I struggled to stay awake long enough for all of them to finally fall asleep so I could set everything out. So much harder to do Christmas, in many respects, with teenagers! The next morning, the girls excitedly tore through their gifts – that part doesn’t change. I was happy to have scored on three gifts they didn’t expect but loved instantly – for Brenna, turquoise Aero sweatpants she had seen on the website the night before and wanted to ask for; for Ailish, artisanal caramels from Good Karmal (YUM!); and, for Kieran, an anatomically correct beating heart pillow that she completely adores. I was so mad when I saw it on Big Bang Theory just a week before Christmas (and I knew she saw it too), because I had seen it and ordered it back in October from Think Geek, but she was just so happy because she didn’t even think it actually existed. So, there was my bit of Christmas joy – I actually did score a bit of gifting win.
After the presents were opened, Ailish made us her present – her therapist had taught her how to make crepes, so without any help from me, except for purchasing some ingredients the day before, she made us all crepes, and they were fantastic. We had bought lingonberry preserves, and had assembled chocolate syrup, honey and powdered sugar for everyone. I told her it was like she brought a food truck to our house, and I was truly grateful for the experience, and the thought and care that she put into it.
Once the crepes were cleaned up, it was time for me to get started on the dinner prep. I had a ham, and plans to make stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, all that good stuff. This trip was so different for Brenna. Where last time she was in the kitchen the whole time, and was just in general so helpful, this time she was almost invisible, and when we did ask her to do something, she only did it grudgingly. Ailish did help me with some of the kitchen duties, peeling the sweet potatoes, that sort of thing, but it was just so different than the last trip.
It was a really good thing that we had our Christmas early, because the next morning, Kieran woke with a fever, and she had been coughing for most of the night. We sent Brenna and Ailish with Brad to Grammapoppa’s, while Kieran and I stayed behind. She was pretty miserable, but we did manage to work a few puzzles together, and we watched a few movies. We were both asleep by the time everyone got home, and Brenna and Ailish struggled to get their stuff packed up for their flights the next morning.
My hopes in spacing out their flights when they were leaving was that if the first flight was delayed at all, we wouldn’t run into troubles getting Ailish onto her flight. But with flights three hours apart, it makes for a long day at the airport. Brenna had already landed in Denver before Ailish had even boarded her plane. And with the joys of Los Angeles traffic, I could see by my FlightView tracker that Ailish’s plane was already over New Mexico by the time I made it home.
And nearly from the moment I walked in the door, I began to take those decorations down. I just couldn’t have that tree there, that symbol of Christmas cheer that I didn’t have, sitting there almost mocking me with all of its shiny goodness. That tree – this isn’t even the real tree – this is supposed to be the stand-in tree, remember? This was the “little” 7’ tree I bought in 2006, because I didn’t want to use our real tree (9’) until all of us were home again. It’s been five years, and I don’t think we’ll ever use that tree again. Isn’t that funny – that big tree means so much to me, and the girls, none of them, they don’t even remember what it looks like. It’s probably time to let that tree go – donate it and move on. It’s part of another life we’ll never get back to.
So wow, I am just a ray of sunshine, aren’t I? I’m sorry, I try so hard to find the positive, to find something good to say, to be strong in spite of it all, but I’m not feeling all that strong right now. I recognize that I am in full-on wallow mode at the moment. It’s not pretty – it’s the equivalent of an ugly cry – and I would like to dry my tears and move on. If only it were that easy. I’ve decided to give myself three more days of this nonsense, and that’s it. I am going to pull up my big girl panties beginning January 2nd, and I am going to take back the things that I can control. Yes, I have been feeling very powerless about many things in my life, but there are some things that I can do something about, and those are the things I am going to concentrate on. This year has not been a good one, and it joins a long line of those, but I am not going to allow 2012 to start in the same way. I remember when I had a similar low spell several years ago, and one of my friends sent me the U2 song, “Stuck in a Moment.” And that’s it, that’s totally it. But I’m going to get out. There’s no better time like the beginning of the year to say this is not how my story is going to end. We are going to make this a better year, not by chance but by choice.
Gratitude:
- My girls made it safely here and back, and we were able to enjoy the holiday together.
- That really productive IEP, and the incredible help of my friends who made that possible.
- I’m so happy for Kieran that she worked so hard to pull off the grades she did at school. She has really challenged herself to maintain a straight A average and then some, and even with all of the homework and the practice, she’s pushed herself and made it happen.
- It’s nice to have a break from school so I can actually see her! Feels like between swim and school, we never see each other, so it’s nice to have a bit of time to hang out together.
- Fresh starts and big girl panties. Let’s do this.
